Two Guys' Opinion: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Welcome to the seventh installment of Two Guys' Opinion, a (semi-)weekly dual column featuring the movie reviews of our very own Persiflage and Goodwholesomefun. This week, they review Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, starring Harrison Ford and Cate Blanchett. Enjoy.

PERSIFLAGE A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED AMERICAN ASS-KICKING - 3/4 The thickest spider-webs ever, plenty of skeletons & disintegrating corpses, miscellaneous man-eating insects, natives with poison darts, mythical artifacts from ancient lost civilizations - it's all here with the same old familiar musical score. And here is a much older Indy, but the bad guys aren't Nazis anymore. They're Commies though, so same thing.

GOODWHOLESOMEFUN THOSE CGI MONKEYS? ALL LUCAS, BABY - 2/4 Harrison Ford has made his comeback as Indiana Jones, and he's done it without breaking a single hip. Bravo. You won't get much sitting and talking in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, but you will get plenty of CGI-rendered goodness ... although when you find yourself repeatedly saying, "Hey, that scene is CGI-rendered!" -- that's not really a good sign.

With all the CGI and special effects in this thing, one main factor still makes the movie worth watching - Harrison Ford. Indiana Jones is probably Harrison Ford's best character in film history. And in the "Crystal Skull," he's about 20 years older than we remember. But seeing him again is like being reunited with an old friend. There aren't many other heroes in modern day movies that have Indy's charisma. He's not in as good shape as he used to be. His voice is more gravely. His scowl is more grumpy. But the older, more grizzled Indiana Jones is just as if not more tough and badass than before. He still makes mistakes during the fight scenes (more of them actually because he's a little out of practice) but that's part of his charm. Ford is completely at home here, and THAT'S what makes this film cool - rather than Spielberg's latest imagined CGI stunts. I won't say too much about the outrageous plot lines or CGI special effects. It's not why you're watching this movie. You're watching it because that old feel from the series is something you love. And you'll get the feeling again, at least by the time Indy takes his new sidekick into the Conquistadors' graveyard. Speaking of sidekicks, I am not a Shia LaBeouf fan. But his character "Mutt" is actually kind of fun. He's a 1950s Brando worshipping young biker. And his interaction with Jones makes for some of the best dialogue. Hey, it's the 50s, so you gotta dig the Elvis music. Meanwhile, I personally liked the scene where the square with the sweater slugs him right into the arms of the friendly leather jacket wearing crowd - brawl ensues. Some critics are displeased with the "Crystal Skull" because the plot is implausible. But this is an Indiana Jones movie we're talking about. Plausibility has never been part of the series (remember them jumping from an airplane with a blow-up raft?). In fact, this is really only about half of a movie anyhow. The other half feels like a Disneyland/Universal Studios amusement park ride. We're talking about driving off cliffs, swinging through the jungle, racing on motorcycles, and falling down huge waterfalls one after another. This time, instead of making a ride based off of this movie, it seems more like the movie was based off the ride that they plan to make for it. But you can't really blame Spielberg or Ford for it though. They were like little kids when they were making this thing. Roger Ebert actually addresses the criticism best, so I'll just let him sum this up - "It takes a cold heart and a weary imagination to dislike an 'Indiana' film with all of its rambunctious gusto. With every ounce of its massive budget, it strains to make us laugh, surprise us, go over the top with preposterous action … Spielberg at heart will always be that kid who sneaked onto the back lot at Universal and talked himself into a job. He's the kind of man who remains in many ways a boy. He likes neat stuff. He thinks it would be fun to have Indiana and friends plunge over three waterfalls, not one. He knows that we know what back projection is, and he uses it blatantly … He knows back projection feels differently than perfect digital backgrounds -- it feels more like a movie. He likes boldly-faked editing sequences: We see the heroes in medium shot at the edge of a waterfall, we see a long shot of their boat falling to what would obviously be instant oblivion below, and then he shows the heroes surfacing together and near the shore (no rapids!) and spitting out a little water." So basically, the "Crystal Skull" is definitely worth seeing. And it may not be the last one they make either. There's an opening at the end for the series to continue - and now that they've finally started it up again, there could be plenty of Indy Cold War adventures against the Communists. "Any last words, Dr. Jones?" That might be the most badass, patriotic "I like Ike" that you'll ever hear.

Ford once again plays the loveable bullwhip-toting archeologist Indiana Jones, only now it's been a couple decades since he fought the Nazis. Now, it's 1957, and Soviet KGB agent by the name of Irina Spalko (Cate Blanchett) is seeking a mystical object known as the "crystal skull" in order to control whatever powers it might have. Damn Russians! Indiana must beat them to it to save the world! During his quest, he is aided by Token Impetuous Youth Mutt Williams (played by the pretensiously named Shia LaBeouf, who you might remember from Transformers). Williams is 16 shades of stupid. He is also impetuous. His smashing good looks are wasted, however, because there is no love interest in the film. Well, unless you count the one for Indiana Jones, but old people sex is gross. You won't get much different from past Indiana Jones movies here, except for one thing: this movie is absurd. Of course, it is Indiana Jones. But this movie is really, reeeeaally absurd. So absurd that you see scene after scene and you can hear your mind shout, "That is absurd!" Seriously, and I'll try not to drop any spoilers here, but there is a CGI-rendered scene where Mutt swings on vines through the jungle with dozens of monkeys at his side that was so stupid I nearly laughed out loud. It's one thing to outrun giant boulders and narrowly dodge ancient booby traps in caves, but to drive your car onto a tree sticking out from the cliff and have it slowly lower you into the river below just made me wonder what universe the writer of this script is living in. Oh, George Lucas wrote it? Say no more. Not surprisingly, this movie kicked ass in the box office, and often it delivered where it counted. There wasn't a dull moment in the movie. However, it can't hold a candle to Raiders of the Lost Ark, even though it tries courageously to do so. And throughout the movie, it often felt like they were trying just a little too hard with stunts of increasing ridiculousness. At this rate, Indiana Jones will be able to fly in the next installment.